Daily Transformations 

 

Always, after a long and restful vacation, on the day before I have to go back to work, 

I cry. 

Not a long, sobbing, tissues kind of cry, 

more like a eyes welling up, achy kind of cry. 

The kind of crying that has you wondering why you are crying. 

The kind of crying that has you beating yourself up with guilt. 

The kind of crying that has you feeling guilty 

because there are far worse things to cry about. 

The kind of crying that makes you forget to be grateful. 

I just arrived home two days ago from an amazing 6 day vacation in Key West. 

My husband, myself and 2 of our closest friends celebrating a 40th birthday. 

For six full days, I was grateful. 

For six full days, I felt free. 

And now I am crying. 

Sure I am missing our private floating dock and 85 degree waters. 

I am missing the frozen drinks and the flora that doesn't stop for seasons.   

But I let go of all that when the plane landed in R.I. 

So why the tears? 

I cry because every vacation I find myself. 

And every time,  once back to work, I feel like I lose it all over again. 

I go back to wearing someone else's shirt, 

I go back to being someone's bitch. 

I go back to a corporation that at one time filled me, 

but now, many years later, leaves me feeling drained and depleted. 

It leaves me feeling lost. 

But what does one do, when what you do, 

just doesn't do it for you anymore? 

What do you do when you have a mortgage and a car,  

and prescriptions that need to be filled? 

You stop your crying, 

you wipe your tears, and you go back to work. 

That's what you do. 

But first, 

you must find the gratitude. 

You look for the sun through all those dark clouds. 

You look for the rainbow, through the downpour of rain. 

You look through your tears and all your fears of being less than… 

You look for the love. 

And then, while sitting in your own backyard, 

you look over at the table, 

at some shriveled up succulent leaves that had fallen off it's mother plant….    

and you see it. 

 

The gratitude. 

The determination.  

The new life that sprouted from what seemed like the end.  

And you realize, 

And I realize, 

that this life is what we make it. 

A lesson I teach myself over and over again. 

THIS LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT.

But maybe that little leaf was fine with just being a leaf,

…. or maybe it just wanted to be more.  

Either way, it transformed. 

Happy or sad, it transformed. 

Not thinking about what was, 

Not thinking about what could be, 

Just doing what it had to do in this moment now, 

It transformed. 

Everyday, we are transforming. And everyday, whether we like it or not, 

we must do things we don't want to do. 

Whether its cleaning the house or changing a diaper, 

or going to a job we don't like, 

we all, are constantly doing things we don't want to do. 

But this life is short 

and the older we get, we realize how little time we have here. 

So in my beautiful backyard, 

on a comfortable chair, typing on my laptop, 

with a cold glass of iced tea, my attitude shifts. 

I begin to cut images out of magazines, visioning how I want to feel. 

I begin to write how I need to feel.  

My tears have dried, and through grateful eyes, I begin to see more beauty. 

The beautiful plants I planted years and months ago, 

The twinkle lights hanging along the fence promising to be lit later tonight, 

My man and my kitty inside, always there for the kisses I need to give. 

And just like that, I am grateful. 

And just like that, I feel alive. 

And just like my energy has changed, 

and I am transformed. 

And if I have to, I will do it again tomorrow. 

And if I know myself, 

 I will do it several times tomorrow. 

And if I don't know myself, 

and I go back to feeling lost, 

and the tears begin to drop, 

I will remember the fallen leaf. 

And I will dry my tears with gratitude 

for these daily transformations 

that push me closer and closer 

to the me I want to be. 

The me I know is there, waiting to be found. 

And in gratitude I will find her.  

And in gratitude, she will find me. 

And in gratitude we will transform. 

And in gratitude, we will find our wings. 

In gratitude,  

I will fly.